A Letter for the 20-somethings
Re-upload from July 2025
CW: Suicidal ideation
I have been 30 for about three weeks now, and to be honest, it has not fully sunken in yet. I feel like my age stopped being real to me after I turned 21. Maybe it's because it's the last age you really look forward to? Yay I can drink (legally) now! (What age is there to look forward to after that? Getting off parent's insurance at 26? Surely, not nearly as exciting.) A year after that final milestone, I graduated from college and then one year after that, I graduated from grad school, something I had been looking forward to desperately.
What do you mean I've already graduated from college? And grad school??
Even then, it felt like most of my life had been trying to perfect my escape from my family home via college. And then my whole life was surviving in college. And then for a while, my whole life was just surviving. Now, I'm getting a little more thriving here and there, and it feels really good. It's wild to me that 10 years ago, I frequently begged for death, and now, meh, I guess I don't mind living too much.
A Quick-ish Recap of my 20s (skip if you don't care)
10 years ago, I am 20, a college junior in my favorite city at my dream school, and my mental health is severely suffering. Not surprising considering I am barely sleeping, working two or three jobs at a time, eating terribly and not often enough because I am broke, binge drinking because of my social anxiety and my body is getting used to hormonal birth control.
I feel like shit because I am treating my body, mind, and soul like shit. It doesn't help that I am also going in depth into social issues while living them at the same time. My frequent breakdowns finally lead me to therapy, where I confessed my suicidal ideation and was put on anti-depressants. I remember when I realized that they had kicked in; I remember the voice in my head changing from "OMG I want to die" to "I guess if I'm still here after asking God to remove me, I might as well make the best of it." 21 is not much better mental-health-wise but I try my best to make my un-sustainable life as sustainable as possible while crawling to my first finish line: graduating undergrad. That one guy gets elected into office and the reactions at my school are disheartening, but it fuels my fire. It helps that I have solid friendships. They share their meal plans with me, listen to me vent and cry, we create art together, go out, and even travel. I graduate a month before I turn 22.
Now, I have a bachelor's, I'm in my first real relationship, and I'm starting grad school. I'm still exhausted, but it's a lot more manageable. I can't believe I decided to do 5 years of school! But I do perform for the first time in years, and really enjoy it, even though the experience lead to me kind of burning my bridges at school (iykyk). At this point, I feel ok though, good even. So good,I stop taking anti-depressants and stop going to therapy. My mental health is pretty stable. I'm still working three jobs at this point, but overall, I'm taking care of myself a lot more and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!
I begrudgingly get through grad school, and start my first big girl job teaching when I'm 23. A few months in, I'm like wtf did I get myself into?? This is the adult world?? Working everyday of my life?? I love teaching, but sometimes I wish I had chosen a job that I could forget about once I got home. Teaching is not that. My job in the Bronx was pretty great looking back (minus some things here and there, iykyk), but the universe said come home, so I did.
Now 24, I move back in with my parents while I pay off my grad school loan, and start a job at a charter school. My relationship with my parents has always been ok at best. So the transition from being by myself to once again being under their roof was not easy. One night a few weeks into school, I have an anxiety attack coupled with thoughts of suicidal ideation. NOOOOOOO, all my hard work!! I go back to therapy and get back on anti-depressants. I am struggling to get to the end of the school year. Covid happens. I start writing poetry. I turn 25. I buy a condo in Long Beach and live by myself again, YAY! The following year, virtual school amidst covid is kind of a blur; I'm still writing poetry, going to therapy and taking anti-depressants, but I don't feel great. My psychiatrist notices and suggests Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Essentially, my brain is zapped with magnets to waken it back up. It works and I feel so good, I quit my daily weed smoking habit and my weekly FWB sessions, and get a dog. This is about two thirds into 2021, when I have recently turned 26.
It doesn't last long because we return to in-person school, and it is rough. I go back to a survival mentality where all I do is work and go home. I try my best to squeeze my yoga in, but it's spotty. I'm too tired to even be social, but still am here and there. By the end of 2022, I decide something needs to change. I'm 27 at this point and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I start dating someone who encourages me to "align myself to my life's purpose" and I have two revelations. One: My life's purpose was NOT being miserable at that charter network. Realizing that year was my last year there lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Two: what had been missing in my life was being creative. As busy as I was in high school, I always had dance, play production, and competitions to keep me in a consistent artsy flow. In college I had it in random bursts, and once I started working, I didn't have it at all, but poetry had started to be really healing for me.
My Saturn Return was doing its thing. In May of 2023, I join a playwriting class and a poetry class. Then in September, I join a poetry publishing class, not sure if I actually will publish the book (spoiler alert: I do). I continue with an advanced playwriting class and start writing my first full-length play. I also start a new job at a public high school doing stage crew and theatre. I am working in an auditorium everyday and helping with their amazing productions. I am in awe everyday that this is my job. I'm 28, Pluto is out of Capricorn (for a while) and life is good.
Then, it gets even better, I meet a gem of a human being, one of those rare good guys. Like, a really good guy. About one month into knowing him, I invite him to come to New York with me, and he says yes. I knew I was a little out of my mind for asking this stranger to spend 5 whole days with me, but, what can I say? He passed the vibe check. This is where I say that a good partner makes all the difference.
I was already doing great, but having a life partner who is caring, loving, supportive and puts up with my emotional, moody Cancerian ass on a daily basis makes living this life that I used to hate, so much more livable. Enjoyable, even. By the time my Golden Birthday hits (29 on the 29th), I am in a really good place. I am finally diagnosed with ADD and get closure! I have the first draft of my book, I finish the first draft of my first play that summer, and I start year 2 of my job that I love a few weeks later. The realization that I am working on a book and play at the same time hits, and things are busy, but I manage. I am able to have my first play reading and publish my first book before I am 30! I spend the last hours of my 20s and my first hours of my 30s doing my favorite thing: traveling with my favorite person.
What I learned
Writing and seeing all 10 years like that is a trip. I obviously didn't go into much detail because that would have taken forever, I mostly wrote about the things that I learned from. So here are the lessons!
Identity
This one. Ooh, this one was rough. I grew up very sheltered, and my parents clearly had an agenda. They were so strict, I was like ok, I'm going to do whatever they say so that I won't get in trouble and I can still go out sometimes. My mom said I was an angel. I mostly was. I was scared of losing the bit of freedom that I had. That girl that my parents knew before I left their house wasn't really me. I knew that (they didn't and it was rough for all of us later). But what I didn't know was who I really was, and it took years of me being in turmoil over it to figure it out.
I finally realized at some point that our identity is ever evolving, or at least it should be. There are aspects that we may keep forever, like I will probably always be a spacey gal (you can thank my ADD for that one). I will also probably always be quiet and awkward when I'm around people I don't know or am not comfortable around. But, I was raised Catholic, and am no longer Catholic.
So I believe we take aspects of what we learned growing up and leave others behind. We continue learning, vibing with others, and through research and/or trial and error figure out other things we like and don't like, things we believe and don't believe, ways to be or not to be. We figure out new or hidden aspects of ourselves and decide whether or not to keep them. Hopefully, when we come across new information that goes against some beliefs, we shift and not double down on our ignorance.
I think we're always evolving, but our 20s, perhaps in college, perhaps away from home, is where we really get to experiment, which can be scary and exciting, especially with a brain that is still developing. I'm glad I can say I have a mostly solid identity now, but I am also aware it changes based on where I am and who I'm around, which is necessary sometimes, and of course, I am growing and changing too, as I should be.
School/Future Paths/Plans
As a first-born, first-generation girl, a 4-year university was hammered into my brain and I said ok, seems like the perfect way to gtfoh! If I were to live again, I would probably do the same thing (work my ass off for a scholarship to a great school with less pressure on myself) BUT I'm glad that the narrative is starting to shift so that kids know they have other options. College can be expensive. Community college is right there. Trade school has some great options! Getting a job while you figure it out is so reasonable. 18 is really young to know what one wants to do for the rest of life. I knew at 12 and I'm really lucky for that and finding a program that was perfect for me, but everyone has their own path. Some don't find it til later and that is ok! The pressure that is put on kids to have their shit together at that point is too much, and while some people do it and thrive, that's THEM and everyone is different. Kthxbyeeeee!
Along with this, I cannot talk about school without talking about how deeply white supremacy in ingrained in academia. OOOOOOFFFF! And I don't mean white supremacy in a KKK way, what I mean is that these institutions help maintain the status quo where white people are disproportionately in leadership. While they may tell you over and over again, how much they care about "diversity," when it comes down to it, they will not confront their peers, their colleagues, or their students about problematic behavior. They are not supporting marginalized students to the fullest extent. In the case of my alma mater, and others like it, they are actually currently suppressing them.
This of course, was my experience, and my friends at my school and at schools of a similar caliber had similar experiences. I fear making a generalization like this, so if anyone knows of a university that is truly fully supporting and uplifting marginalized communities, is being led by faculty and staff demographically proportionate to the US population or mostly PoC, and is working towards decolonization, rectifying any missteps, please let me know!
While higher education is one of the avenues for upward mobility, it is not as accessible as it should be. Educational inequity makes it much more difficult for students in marginalized communities to have the same opportunities as their affluent counterparts. If we manage to make it, imposter syndrome, lack of generational wealth (in money, social capital, and general knowledge), and the lack of diversity ensures that we continue to struggle, which is why many drop out, and not everyone comes back. As I say in my PWI poem, given all of this, why is this our goal? Why do we bust our assess to be somewhere not clearly made for us?
The answer is obvious, we want to be a part of progress, we want better for future generations, and of course, we want better for ourselves. But UGH! After having gone through it, the whole educational system (like the system as a whole) needs a good dismantling AND we should continue to find alternate ways to move our people forward that don't require us to follow this "exemplary path" put forth that was not made with us in mind, and others us despite supposed efforts (some genuine) to include us.
I've had arguments with people of color (ok, one dumbass guy) who was adamant systemic and institutional racism weren't real because HE overcame, so why couldn't others? I've seen similar arguments where people say they don't want to victimize themselves. I am not oppressed, they say. It must be nice if despite living in the US within a marginalized community you are able to say you're not oppressed. That, however, was not my experience. I felt and still feel the man bringing me down! And while yes, it is possible to overcome, it requires a lot: energy, resources, support, money, knowledge, time... I could go on. I refuse to not empathize with those who may have none or a limited amount of any of these. I lacked in some of those departments and made up in others, but higher education quite literally almost killed me. I don't think everyone should go through that.
On a similar yet different note, I have never been much of a go-with-the-flow type of person. I like having a plan. Has the plan always worked out 100%? Absolutely not. But it has always helped me to have some sort of structure to where I'm going. If I have to be flexible, I will. If I find I didn't like the end goal, I shift. If I have to go with the flow, well I guess that's the only plan now, but I'll make a new one as I'm flowing. With my neurodivergence, planning is a must. I understand it's not for everyone, but it has been a lifesaver for me. My first therapist told me once to make myself happy. Having plans makes me happy. Having no structure leaves me feeling like shit.
Relationships
I will be the first to say no one neeeeds a relationship. I spent the first nearly 22 years of my life single and then a few more years after that single, and I am more than capable of doing things my own. My friends give me life! My family is pretty supportive. This is where I reiterate that a good partner makes all the difference.
While my first relationship didn't last, I think we both really needed each other when we found one another. I may have felt grown back then, and he, two years older than me probably did too, but we both had a lot of growing and healing to do and we did a good amount of it together and then apart when we broke up. As painful as some aspects of that relationship were, some of which I'm still healing from, I learned a whole lot, and am thankful for the whole experience regardless. I have a poem about this too, but the main thing I learned here, surprisingly, was to value myself and know my worth. As confident and strong as I am, I am also a huge people pleaser, and I would sometimes let that cloud my own needs, wants, and truths. It's really hard to not spill everything on here like I would scream into the void back in the day (s/o Twitter) but look at that, growth! Some more details are in my book ;) I will leave that at that.
Last year, while I was a guest artist in a friend's classroom, a student asked me how I went about relationships considering I did not have the best example growing up. I was a little floored by the question, but I responded that it made me have very high expectations for my relationships because I did not want to end up like my example. I stayed single until I found someone worth while, and when that didn't work out, I waited again. I didn't just jump into relationships because I wanted companionship. No shade, that just wasn't appealing to me. I wanted a partner to enhance my life, not make it more difficult. Shit was already hard for me. And of course, I would do my best to enhance theirs. Right now, I feel like that's where we're at in my current relationship and it makes me really happy that we are true partners to one another. It helps so much that I'm dating a therapist, because as chill and good vibes as I generally am, I am also passive aggressive as fuck (a lifelong battle) and quite moody. My relationship is great in spite of me. Haha, just kidding (mostly).
Friends. I'm very lucky in that I'm very good at choosing my friends. I am great with vibes and I have never gravitated towards someone where I've ended up being like Fuck! Abort mission! I have always been a small circle type of person, and while that has made me a little sad in the past, I think ultimately, it has served me well. If I consider you a friend, thank you. Truly. You are one of the best people I know and I hand picked you personally!! The only sad thing I've had to learn the hard way is that adult life prevents me from seeing my friends more often, and it suxxxxx.
Family. Again, I don't want to put other people's business on here more than I already have in my book, so I will just say, THERAPY! Intergenerational trauma is so real and many of our parents/ family members did not grow up in the most ideal conditions, so we can't expect them to be perfect or even healthy. What I think is fair to expect is for there to be constant communication and setting of boundaries, and hopefully there is respect when those feelings are shared and boundaries are expressed, both ways, in all the ways. I also think it's fair for people to expect growth. Again, these are myyyy thoughts. So many people are set in their ways and they refuse to change. A choice, for sure. But when you love someone, and want the best for them and your relationship, and they are begging you to make a certain change that will be healthy for everyone involved, I think it would be amazing you listened. Doesn't always happen though. Therapy was so helpful so that I can forgive and set my boundaries and try to be as healthy as I can be in these relationships. I know it was hard on my parents to raise their kids in a different country, and I can definitely empathize with that.
Last thing I'll say ask on this familial topic is for people to consider why they want to have kids and whether or not they'll be good parents. Like really, ask yourself. Is it to have someone to take care of you later? You want a mini-me real bad? Society expects it of you? You want to continue your legacy? Whatever the fuck that means? Will you apologize to them? Will you react with love and patience? Are you really committed to raising healthy humans? Will you respect them and love them and who they are? I'm not going to tell anyone what to do with their lives, but I do wish we had a little more reflection before bringing new life in this world. I think we would have less damaged people and a lot less assholes.
Last thoughts on relationships: if we want quality ones, it is up to us to do our part to keep them healthy and thriving. Communicating in healthy ways, reaching out, checking in, having hangs, speaking up if any issues arise, being supportive, listening, taking accountability for any wrong doing, doing better if necessary, etc. I feel really fortunate that I have the relationships that I do, especially my friendships. I'm super proud of those. And we absolutely reserve the right to cut people off who we feel aren't treating us right, or who we don't align with, even if it's family. I would advocate for communicating reasoning, maybe giving them the opportunity to change if that's appropriate, but sometimes people will tell you exactly who they are with one action, and that can be enough. "You're really letting politics-" Yes. Human rights mean that much to me, now fuck off.
Health
I reflect on my early 20s often. Sometimes it still brings me to tears thinking and talking about it. But it's there, burned in my mind as a reminder to take care of myself to sleep, to eat when I'm hungry, to watch my drinks, to do my yoga and runs, to socialize in healthy ways with people I love and admire, and to not overwork myself.
I know this isn't a revelation, but some of us really go through our teens and 20s thinking we are indestructible. It can definitely feel that way, and while I am all for fun, I can definitely admit that I sacrificed my health for a good time time and time again in my 20s. Was I making up for all the damage I didn't do to my body in my teens? Yes, to some extent. I was also repeating behavior that was normalized in college. This is not to point the finger at anyone for my own choices, but to contextualize what those years are like for young people across the US.
When my students ask me for advice for college, or ask me to sign their yearbooks, I always emphasize the need to take care of themselves. I tell them to not let their mental, physical, and emotional health be de-prioritized over ambition or success or peer-pressure. Sometimes I wonder what that would have looked like for me. Would I have really gone to sleep over finishing that response paper? Who knows. Maybe I would have napped more, or put my pride aside and asked my parents for money so I wouldn't have to work as much as I did or go hungry. I'll never know, but I do hope with all my heart that my kids do take my advice seriously and take care of themselves.
With the way things are now in the country, it is extra important we take care of our bodies as soon as we can because who knows wtf is going to happen next and how healthcare here is going to get worse! I'm about to say more things you've probably heard before, but now you can't say I never told you!
Move your fucking body!! At the very least, stretch!! I dated a massage therapist who said most of his patients are so fucked up because they never stretched. Do a little in the morning and/or night. Youtube videos are great if you have no idea what you're doing. Find your thing. Maybe the gym isn't for you. Maybe you cannot stand running. Maybe yoga is too hard. Try a different style of yoga. Try swimming, kickboxing, dancing, hiking, taking a walk! I promise it is not only good for your body but good for your soul and your mind too. I am such a different person when I haven't gotten my yoga or my runs in. I know I need them to stay sane and not be a huge bitch. I'm also really scared of being old and having lots of pain/ not being very mobile. Hopefully I'm doing enough.
Sleep!! Unless you're one of those lucky bastards who got that gene where you can survive off of "short sleep." They exist. I met one while I was working in NYC and I was so jealous. It's only 3% of the population, so it's probably not you.
Really, I think this one is mostly for teens. I think most of us adults cherish sleep. But just in case any teens or adults who don't know this are reading, GO TO SLEEP! Your body requires 8-10 hours of sleep. Give your brain a rest. You can't concentrate when you haven't had enough sleep. You can't think properly. You're an asshole. You're extra stressed. Even more so when it's consistent.Eat well. I know it's hard if you live in a food dessert or don't have time, but try your best to not eat too much fast food or processed food or sugar or fried foods. I know the US makes it hard because almost everything is bad for us here, but we can try. Just try. Find some quick recipes to eat as many home-cooked meals as you can. Get some salads at Trader Joe's, they're not too expensive. Look at nutritional facts, they matter.
I want to make it clear that I am not saying this for weight concerns, I am saying this because what we put into our bodies makes a difference on our moods and overall well-being. It makes a difference in our heart and our organs and longevity.Don't ignore your mental health. Therapy does wonders. Conversations with friends/ loved ones can be helpful too, but in my opinion, they shouldn't consistently be burdened by our problems. Mental health is hugely helped by 1-3, trust me, I have lived it and am still living it. Take a walk, spend time in nature. Therapy isn't always accessible and will probably become more inaccessible, but ask your doctor about options. Mental health can affect every other aspect of our health if left untreated.
Go to the doctor whenever you need it, especially if you're able. I know this is a hard one if we don't have healthcare, and again, it seems as though it's only going to get worse, so we gotta do it while we can. I also know this is an obvious one, but it's one I didn't really even follow myself until last year. It turns out they can actually be helpful. They can also be sexist and racist so also always advocate for yourself and your needs! Doctors and therapists of color/ women can be harder to get, but it never hurts to ask.
Spirituality. Tending to our spiritual health is so important too. I think that's different for everyone and we all have our own path to figure it out, but it's important regardless. Maybe organized religion does it for you, great. For me, some aspects of it did, but most did not. I found my spiritual healing in yoga, meditating, spending time in nature, being around people I love, and being creative. I do think it helps to find community. Find those people who fill your cup!! Do something soul-nourishing together.
I will always believe in God. I have had too many conversations from when I was little to now to not believe. I think it's important to find that relationship with it/our higher self and nourish it. I think it helps guide us through life.Take a break. Whenever you can. I know it's hard. It's SO hard for me. But we need it. Don't feel like you need to earn it. Just do it. Rest. Relax. Chill.
Creativity
This one should be a quick one. I learned that creativity is necessary. I believe it is what we were put on earth to do. Create. Breathe life into new things. Life that comes from you. I don't mean procreate. I mean let your soul speak into something. Writing, drawing, sculpting, playing an instrument, singing, producing, acting, dancing, there are so many ways to let our souls speak. I would even argue sports are a way for us to be creative. I think there's a reason why we don't have time to be creative if we work at a non-artsy 9-5. I think creativity is a gateway to getting to know one another, spark dialogue, and advance towards a better world. I think there's a reason that the starving artist "starves" for the sake of speniding their life making art. It's one of the most admirable feats in my eyes. I don't think we necessarily have to share our creations with the world, but I think us hearing ourselves as we create is a great first step. Maybe share with those close to us.
Work/ Life purpose
Another short one. I think it sucks most of us have to work to survive. I think our life purpose was truly to be creative, live and help out in community, and just be. Capitalism fucked that up. It's wild to me how a majority of the world works and works and works to keep a few people rich. It sucks people can work multiple jobs and not have enough to survive. It sucks our value is measured by our productivity. I think everyone has the right to food, housing, and clothing simply for being involuntarily brought into the world.
People can decide their life purpose on their own, but I feel like majority of the time it is not the same as our 9-5 and we should stop conflating the two. It can be as simple as my life purpose is to be joyful. Fuck yeah, do that.
I'm still figuring mine out. I think it has to do with creating community and educating via creativity, which I do everyday as a teacher, but I dream of doing so outside of traditional school one day.
The world as whole
This one can be soooo long, but I'm going to try my best to keep it as short as possible. This was the decade I really found out how truly awful the world was and how it was purposefully made and maintained this way. I had some knowledge before, and again, lived through it first hand, but learning statistics, history, and current schemes still going on has been enraging to say the least. The consistent violence on people of the global majority (people of color) throughout history in all of its forms that is still going on now in Palestine, Congo, Sudan, in places affected by climate change, colonization, imperialism, and in our own country is the main source of my depression. I can't help but be sad and disgusted and feel powerless at the amount of suffering and the greed and lack of compassion that got us here. It makes me sick that these people won and that they're in power.
It's the reason I chose to be an educator. I had to find a way to make a change somehow. I chose educational inequity to try and tackle. I still try and help out in other ways through protests, mutual aid, and volunteering when I am able. As powerless and nihilistic as I feel sometimes, I know that's how they want me to feel and I refuse to actually be powerless. I am taking back power here and there.
I know the world, in some ways, is a beautiful place. I know there are beautiful people in it, and some of them happen to be in my life. Trying to explore the world and find genuinely good people, or people who are trying their best to be good, keeps me going.
Final thoughts
Ok, those are some things I learned. I hope they were helpful, or at least, I hope they give people a sense of reassurance that someone else feels the same way. I hope that if anyone who is actively in their 20s reads this, they get a sense of hope that as rough as our 20s can be, they get better! They really do. I think it can take a while to figure out who we are and where we want to be, but we should trust the universe is taking us in the right direction. That's where I'm at now. I am trusting I am where I need to be, doing what I need to do, and that ultimately, that force I have always trusted will lead me well.
I have worked really hard to be in this better place via therapy, medication, crying, and intentional healing, adjusted when I needed to, and said ok God, if that's where you want me, let's go, even when it wasn't in my plans. It's worked out so far. I am very excited for what my 30s have in store for me. I am excited to continue growing in my creativity, to get more involved in community, and to enjoy life a lot more than I did in my 20s.
Feel free to let me know what you think, whether you agree or disagree!!
